Logical, Oh Responsible, Practical..

Am I mad? I think I am going mad! The logical and the illogical side of my brain battle with each other, like a full on rally in a game of tennis, constantly! Constantly! Which is the server and which is the receiver? Then, finally.... game set and match to... the illogical side! Every single time! The logical side is on the side lines..only by a few points,  but still! Yet again! Ms Illogical then gets big headed and decides that it is imperative that they protect me from all threats- perceived or otherwise. Let's bat that ''danger'' away.. so hard! The ball doesn't even land on the pitch- it's off into the trees and beyond, and suddenly it has become a game of golf- tennis has been kicked into the shadows... and then it becomes a fair- a merry-go-round to be precise.  

The logical side asks am I a fawner? A fawner? That takes me back to running through Athens airport, years ago, to get to the next plane because ours had landed so late.. and the person I was with, being in a panic about missing the connecting plane, and me sorting it out. Apparently I looked like a fawn, running through the airport! 

That's the thing, I can actually cope in more crisis situations- Ms Illogical doesn't even feature, then! Oh no. She is only allowed in every single waking day of normal life moments.. but in an emergency, Ms Logical actually pole vaults into action.. and retrieves that ball from through the trees into the shadows. She is unstoppable, and plays an eye catching game! Ms Illogical is having a tantrum mid court- reminding me of Navratilova in her hey day! Game set and match! 

This is a new one for me, by the way. I have learnt that a fawning is survival reaction where a person tries to stay safe by becoming more appealing to the threat- by being a people pleaser, being over accommodating, surrendering boundaries, for example. Fight, flight, freeze..and now fawn. It can apparently effect those who have grown up in a abusive homes, been abused as children and or adults, those who have been in violent relationships.. and those who have been bullied.. and those who are neurodiverse. Growing up, I walked those ''comfy'' eggshells around a person whose moods changed constantly it seemed, and another tick box? I a neurodiverse person (late diagnosed) who was bullied for a large part of my childhood. I am a fully grown adult, and I have only just worked out that this is where my hypervigilant way of living has come from. Of course, hypervigilance can be a useful tool, when walking in the dark alone, for example, but not constantly and in every day life. I no longer have to be on guard for attacks, and nor do I want to be.  

Hang on, Ms Logical is peeping in.. woah.. in she comes.. Is just wrong of me to want to receive other people's love in the same or similar way as I offer and express it? With affections, intimacy and regular check-ins?  Mum always said in response to my saying something like, ''But I wouldn't do that to someone'', when I was younger, ''Yes well, not everyone is the same as you, you know''. I had a very black and white way of thinking, she'd say.. I'd like to think that there is more grey these days, but who am I to say? Do I expect too much? Or is it that I am just receiving bare minimum from those who are not capable of showing me more love/ care? Or perhaps they are and I miss the signs because they aren't expressed in a way I expect and show them? And then Ms Illogical comes in and starts pushing more and more, rationally and irrationally.. just to hurt Ms Logical. 

I have recently learnt that I  have taught myself to live in a hypervigilant state from being young. It was a way to protect myself  which at the time, I needed to do. But I have carried this into adulthood. And now, aside from being outside in the dark, it isn't needed. 

I have been told that I am too much? Am I? Or maybe the person/people who have said that, are not enough? Maybe they do not have the capacity to be anything other than surface level? Maybe this is how some people become fawners because they feel they have to shrink their needs to fit in with someone who doesn't have enough capacity to offer anything more than the bare minimum? Or is our old friend, Ms Peri Meno, just creeping in and making me so emotional that I could fill all of the UKs reservoirs- much needed at that time, by the way.. but I digress..

And, another thing- my split brain- Ms logical tries her best and says over and over, '' Sop whizzing me around! It isn't you. They are going through a hard time right now''. But beefy Ms illogical yells, ''You are awful, and unwanted''.. Game set and match? Nope, the rally continues.. 

 

Be a Tree!

I am dead on my feet from carrying my weight (yeah, I know I am only small..) and I am swaying..I am swaying.. (yeah thanks, Rod). If only drama schools taught you to tap into stress, uncertainty, instability and the potential onset of early peri menopause, they would have got the perfect looking tree from me!

And the most important thing? I would have FELT it too! Swaying. Very unsteadily in the breeze. My arms too heavy for my small frame, my head flopping like the heaviest branch high up there (oh be quiet, I know I am 5 foot 2.. but stay with me ha ha) and my legs giving way. This is what a tree must feel like when it weathers a storm! So any new actors out there, if you are asked to be a tree...speak to those going through stress, instability and peri menopause and you will crack that tree! Ok, not crack it, because unlike Ben Ashton, most of us value trees and actually like trees. You know what I mean! They absorb carbon dioxide during photosynthesis. They are useful flood defences and help to prevent a river bursting its banks. Our moths, birds, butterlfies, bats etc feed off trees and hedges which helps them to breed anbd thrive..and they boost our mental and physical wellbeing in many ways. They keep us rich in oxygen, they filter pollutants, shade us in the heat and improve our immunity. AND, they help us regulate our hormones (the less said about those the better), strenghten our curculatory and nervous systems when we breathe them in. They offer us relief from anxiety and depression...and much more. You aren't here for science lesson (see Mr Smith and Mr Bond, I did pay attention..just not to physics because that is basically maths!) so we'll stop there. Although I will say that this Northern Hermia loves to be in the woods, looking up at the trees. It's my favourite place to be after the water. The smell of the earth and crunchy leaves as you walk among them is just everything. 

You'll remmeber me 'bobbin along, bobbin along...' well, I have news, I am now sailing. I am sailing, home again, cross the sea...to be free! It's a long journey and it won't happen over night but I should be among calmer waters within the next few weeks. Just in time for me to don my tights as Dick..yep, it's almost that time again!

But until now, take care readers. 

Love, A Real Nothern Hermia x

Do the Limbo Dance!

‘Limbo cool, limbo fine

Ev’rybody gets a chance

Clap your hands it’s party time

Do the limbo dance’.

Yeah, thanks, David!

Have you ever had to hold yourself in a fixed position? An awkward position for too long and found yourself stuck? I’m not counting when we were all bendy kids, but as an adult I mean? It hurts, doesn’t it?! You can’t just jump upright. You can’t focus, you have a permanent headache, you can’t eat or drink. And you feel ‘’ready for the knackers yard’’, as our Elsie used to say! And yet when those fingers snap, we have to be ready to do a full on tap dance down the street with our heads in tact firing on all cylinders. 

Growing up, I was told to ''Be realistic''. In fact I remember the career woman who came into high school: ''What do you want to do for a career?'' Me, ''I want to act''. Her, ''You're from Preston, be realistic. What do you really want to do?'' Me, ''I just told you. I want to act''! She wasn't alone. In my experience it was usually people who, perhaps, came from a more affluent background didn't (and still don't in my experience) want us (the majority) to aspire to our goals. They (not the teachers, but those in power) want us to be their yes people. They don't want us to be able to question their motives or their answers.

But when you ''slap'' them in the face with their realistic realism, they certainly do not know what has hit them! We do. Its strength and determination. We know how to survive when the going gets tough...  ''When the going gets tough, the tough get ready''...The tough, does indeed, get going!

For any of the nay sayers who tell you that you can't follow your dreams, turn Billy up. Sing it loud and sing it proud: ''I'm gonna put this dream in motion, never let nothing stand in my way..!'' 

Love,

A Real Northern Hermia x

                                            image by: Tntisland dot com

Here Have a Carrot!

But don't get too excited..you're back to waiting again! 

I know that you have jumped through hoop after hoop for months, but you need to wait. Wait for their right arm to connect to their left arm..you could be waiting a while. There isn't a time limit. Sorry about that, but I am smiling apologetically, does that help? 

No.

'I'm spinning around, move out of my way..' I feel like Worzel Gummidge. Though I am not sure if my head can spin anymore. I'm trying to concentrate on one thing but there is always someone tapping on the other side of my head, trying to get in. Tapping, tapping away..I keep saying ''don't knock. I don't live here..well not permanently, anyway''. But the tapping will not let up. ''When will you have a home''? I DO NOT KNOW! That's it. That's done it. Phew! It's calm again.. Until five minutes later anyway..this time it's louder! Tap tap tap...tAP! Ok, here goes..

Check email regarding our home application...no reply.

Email extra information..no reply

wife emails extra information..no reply..

Someone I hardly know calls to let off steam, without asking how I am. I kind of imagine that their stress is further away from my ears than it is, and I ask how they are besides this. They promise to call in a couple of hours for a catchup.. four hours later, no catch up, but I guess they feel they've lightened their load?

Tap, tap tap tAPPPPP! 

Checks. Blank email. Wait, what does it say? Ah yes, ''welcome to Limbo Land''. Welcome?? I've been staying here for over three months. Surely you know that? But apparently it's temporary?...

Cup o'tea and slice of cake, Aunt Sally?

Love a Real Northern Hermia x

Getty Images. Mike Lawn

Weird People Rock!

Dance it, dance it... 'Cause you're free

To do what you want to do

You've got to live your life

Do what you want to do

'Cause you're free...' If I sing it loud enough, will it suddenly be true?  

The other day, I shared a meme (I know, I know...) which said. "I have two moods. 1. Constant panic and worrying about every detail. 2. It is what it is". It made me chuckle. At that moment I had gone from completely stressing to "oh whatever"! The quote was from a page called 'Weird People Rock'. Is that relevant? Anyway, my head is racing round and round like a big Catherine Wheel on Bonfire Night. 

Since our landlady caused such an unstable living environment by not only increasing our rent hugely, but also by being unwilling to negotiate with us as anything less wasn't "tenable" (I know), I feel like I'm becoming more weird, (by society's standards) each day. This usually extroverted woman is becoming a little more introverted with each passing day. The fighting just to get what we should have, just to get some sort of home, the injustice of it, packing boxes with no idea of where they will be unpacked, is enough to throw anyone off balance..and when you add to that the shock illness and death of my Mother in Law, plus a father in law who is in and out of hospital and the fact that our landlady is unfairly, but legally by all accounts, expecting us the pay the extra rent for the time we have left (even though she has served us a Section 21 because we couldn't afford the huge increase) it's surely enough to make anyone want to run away..fast!?! 

As I sit in the early evening sun, and watch both teenagers and adults alike jumping into the quays (the canal), I can't help thinking that I've always prided myself on knowing myself quite well, and for the most part, liking myself too. I've always told those younger than me that once you get your twenties out of the way that you'll feel more comfortable in your own skin. Then, bang! Is this a passing thing? Will my brain suddenly reattach to the rest of me or will I be out at sea, sitting there, bobbing about on the rough British waters in the winter...or longer? 

People ok, friends, my wife, they often ask where my head is at when I start to chat and tell them my thoughts and concerns. Apparently they can be random to them, but to me, they make perfect sense! I was also saying to someone the other day that perhaps those of us who are neurodiverse are actually typical and those who are "neuro-typical" are the neurodiverse ones? One in seven people in the UK are said to be neurodiverse. That's quite high. Maybe we are the "normal" ones? Who decided what is typical in society and what isn't typical? Maybe it was some white middle aged wealthy man who said, "I'm great, be more like me. If you aren't like me, you aren't normal!" Whatever normal is and means, anyway! Why am I wondering if I'm more weird than usual? I mean, weird people Rock, don't they? Don't they? 

Until next time... Bobbing along

bobbing along on the bottom (top)

of the beautiful briny sea...

Love a Real Northern Hermia x

It's One Big Trip, Maaaaan!

I’m so physically exhausted with house sorting ready to move that you would have thought that my brain would be too exhausted to dream, but no!

Last night’s dream involved puppies (a sandy coloured female and two black and white, in case you are interested) and a round light which looked like my ring light, but wasn’t, flashing every time the house phone rang. Asda had taken over from EE and the Wi-Fi signal boosters were no longer going to be offered but customers still had to pay the same rate. Anyway, I digress.  I seemed to be living at my parent’s (family home) but not as I know it, and spent a lot of time in the bathroom cleaning the tiny puppies. Apparently I was working as some kind of dog sitter. My current partner was with me helping to clean them. Although she seemed to think that Timotei shampoo was appropriate?? Ha ha (in reality she is a huge dog lover by the way so would never do this). I seemed to be my adult self, but my adult brother had reverted to his teenage self and had a knack for walking into the bathroom without knocking. Apparently, Mum had gone out to a union meeting and now some aliens had invaded the picket line! I mean seriously, where does my brain go?!

Is it just me or have people become moanier lately? Or maybe I am being moany myself, moaning about them being moany?! Honestly, people trying to help those who may need it, and others outside of the equation, moaning. Well as one of my favourite roles, Lisa, in Up the Bunting, would say, ‘’let it go. Let it go’’!

As I type this, for some reason I have the song, ‘’Happy’’, spinning around my mind. I haven’t listened to it or heard it for a long time. Physically, you’ll still find me under packing boxes, but as for my brain, I couldn’t tell you!

Until next time!

Love,

A Real Northern Hermia. x

P.S. Just in case you were wondering, yes, I did make that gluten free fried chicken! :) 

Here is my gluten free fried chicken! :) 

How my dream seemed!