Am I mad? I think I am going mad! The logical and the illogical side of my brain battle with each other, like a full on rally in a game of tennis, constantly! Constantly! Which is the server and which is the receiver? Game set and match to... the illogical side! Every single time! The logical side is on the side lines..only by a few points, but still! Yet again! Ms Illogical then gets big headed and decides that it is imperative that they protect me from all threats- perceived or otherwise. Let's bat that ''danger'' away.. so hard! The ball doesn't even land on the pitch- it's off into the trees and beyond, and suddenly it has become a game of golf- tennis has been kicked into the shadows... and then it becomes a fair- a merry-go-round to be precise.
The logical side, asks am I a fawner? This is a new one for me, by the way. I have learnt that a fawning is survival reaction where a person tries to stay safe by becoming more appealing to the threat- by being a people pleaser, being over accommodating, surrendering boundaries, for example. Fight, flight, freeze..and now fawn. It can apparently effect those who have grown up in a abusive homes, been abused as children and or adults, those who have been in violent relationships.. and those who have been bullied.. and those who are neurodiverse. Growing up, I walked those ''comfy'' eggshells around a person whose moods changed constantly it seemed, and another tick box? I a neurodiverse person (late diagnosed) who was bullied for a large part of my childhood. I am a fully grown adult, and I have only just worked out that this is where my hypervigilant way of living has come from. Of course, hypervigilance can be a useful tool, when walking in the dark alone, for example, but not constantly and in every day life. I no longer have to be on guard for attacks, and nor do I want to be.
Hang on, Ms Logical is peeping in.. woah.. in she comes.. Is just wrong of me to want to receive other people's love in the same or similar way as I offer and express it? With affections, intimacy and regular check-ins? Mum always said in response to my saying something like, ''But I wouldn't do that to someone'', when I was younger, ''Yes well, not everyone is the same as you, you know''. I had a very black and white way of thinking, she'd say.. I'd like to think that there is more grey these days, but who am I to say? Do I expect too much? Or is it that I am just receiving bare minimum from those who are not capable of showing me more love/ care? Or perhaps they are and I miss the signs because they aren't expressed in a way I expect and show them? And then Ms Illogical comes in and starts pushing more and more, rationally and irrationally.. just to hurt Ms Logical.
I have recently learnt that I have taught myself to live in a hypervigilant state from being young. It was a way to protect myself which at the time, I needed to do. But I have carried this into adulthood. And now, aside from being outside in the dark, it isn't needed.
I have been told that I am too much? Am I? Or maybe the person/people who have said that, are not enough? Maybe they do not have the capacity to be anything other than surface level? Maybe this is how some people become fawners because they feel they have to shrink their needs to fit in with someone who doesn't have enough capacity to offer anything more than the bare minimum? Or is our old friend, Ms Peri Meno, just creeping in and making me so emotional that I could fill all of the UKs reservoirs- much needed at that time, by the way.. but I digress..
And, another thing- my split brain- Ms logical tries her best and says over and over, '' Sop whizzing me around! It isn't you. They are going through a hard time right now''. But beefy Ms illogical yells, ''You are awful, and unwanted''.. Game set and match?
